There was a great moment of grace today, one which I believe has changed my life forever: I had the opportunity to go to Sacramental Confession this afternoon and, as I knelt behind the screen, Jesus spoke to me through His minister.
When, at last, I had finished enumerating my sins-- both my faults and my failings, the priest began to speak. We talked for a moment, clarifying a few points. He said to me ( I am paraphrasing the best I can), "What shines forth from your confession is that you are trying very hard." I replied earnestly, from my heart, "Yes, Father. I am." We continued to dialog a bit more. And then, Father spoke the words that have changed my life forever: "You are well on your way to becoming a Saint. What do you think of that?"
To be honest, I was stunned. It was as if he could see into my very soul. This holy man of God knew the very cry of my being. Sometimes, for reasons only known to Him, God calls forth certain souls to be His light and love to the world. The truth is, I am nobody and no one. And yet, God is calling me. I have felt this since childhood. He has a purpose and a plan for my life beyond anything I could ever imagine.
Many years ago, I became part of a "Household"-- a Christian version of a sorority-- called "Sacrifice of Love." This aptly denotes my particular sort of spirituality. My goal is to love with Christ's love, to sacrifice for souls, and to love until it hurts... and even then, to love.
I wish to become a saint with a capital "S." That is the secret goal and desire of my heart. And this, not for my sake-- no, never for that!--but so that other souls might come to God through me. For, what does it matter that I exist, except that others may be brought to eternal happiness in the joy of everlasting life?
My life is His; it is not my own. The very fact that I exist-- beyond all odds of my conception and against the many times my mother believed that she had lost me in the womb-- is a testament to His grace. Even during the times in which I have strayed, His hand has brought me back and my resolve toward holiness has been made stronger than ever before. I praise God that His life in me has touched countless hearts for His Name's sake. This is not to my credit, but to His. I am only a woman. I am only a small soul. Yet, it pleases Him to work through this willing vessel.
I pray that He will continue to work through it as He will. I wish for nothing more than to become a conduit of His grace. Wholly. Completely. Without reserve. Whatever I must bear, I do so willingly.
Only, Lord-- let me be hidden. May it be Your face that other see, and not my own. May it be Your hands that touch souls, and not my feeble ones. May it be Your words that I speak; not my broken ones. I wish to be nothing and no one, that You might be everything in me.
God, use me as you will. My soul is willing. My life is Yours.